Caliginem
by princessblair
Summary: "She doesn't eat anymore, doesn't sleep and if fucking breathing wasn't automatic—she wouldn't even do that too!" A story of pain and loss, even if the one you love is just right under your nose. Warnings are inside.


Warnings: There are so much triggers here so please be mindful of them; self-harm, violence, gore, mentions of death, extreme melancholy states. Overall depressing fic. There ya go.

A/N: This piece of shit took me months to write because it was too emotionally taxating for me to even look at it. It's too damn depressing and I cry everytime I try to edit it. So I didn't. Anyway uhm, yeah it tends to get a little boring at times since it's all about emotions and such. I'm sorry femdom Mikasa! I'm sorry everyone! I didn't even think I'd post this since it's so...ehhh...phew, I thought I could explain why I did this but I guess not... just please enjoy (or not)!

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She pushes the stray locks of hair that has flitted across his forehead, humming lightly while looking at his peaceful features. She sings him a lullaby that she had learned from her childhood, an unlikely song of her clan that lyricized the death of millions for the safety of a baby. It's a slow melody but she doesn't murmur the words, opting to soothe with a low buzz of alto, a little throaty from the lack of use.

Trailing her hands lower, she draws an outline of his lips, the friction of her fingernails scraping the sensitive skin of his cupid bow. She contemplates kissing them; they're aren't plump like what most people would consider as attractive, but instead, they are thin and pressed together. They're perfect for her, its lips that she would kiss until she's old and that's all that matters to her.

She moves her hands to let her fingertips brush against his eyelashes. They aren't long but when they open, they reveal the most beautiful pair of burnt sienna and viridescent, almost dark enough for her to think that soil cultivates behind his irises. There aren't many emotions that pass through his pupils, but maybe it's because she doesn't stare at them long enough for her to give names to some of the feelings he would show.

She could recognize the small flicker of fear whenever he would sense danger. The dawning of realization when wisdom has finally soaked through his walls. The slight twitch of the corner of his eyes that would always indicate that he is border lining anger that he tries hard to hold back. The way the colors of his eyes will blow full till his sclera would be almost non-existent whenever he would be extremely enraged. The way his eye lids would soften when he is relaxed or just reluctantly tired. The way his eyes would vibrate, shifting side to side like a simple dance, whenever he was experiencing confusion he couldn't simply comprehend. And her favorite was whenever he would look at her, his eyes would almost change colors, it's a sweet honey flavor and they would look at her fondly. The way he would look at her isn't exceptional but it could certainly make her feel contented and wanted.

Her eyes land at his creased brows. They are furrowed, probably by a dream and this doesn't sit well with her so she soothes the lines away. She threads her fingers at the valley between them, rolling her thumbs with a slight pressure until they relax under her touch. When they do, she's satisfied.

She pads her fingers along the strong lines of his jaw. They're sharp and distinctive, and they remind her of all the times he would nozzle his face on the slope of her shoulders.

His soft tanned skin lets her hands glide with ease, they are a silken pleasure. He feels warm and alive under her caress, his breath fanning her skin adds a touch of vitality as well. She leaves his skin to drag her hands higher to bury them on his familiar hair.

She could go on about his hair. She doesn't even know where to start when describing it, as it is as complex as his personality. The top mop of his hair is flaxen colored and if she squints hard enough there are some strands that are orange with hue. His undercut is her favorite part; it's like her little treasure that she could see russet browns whenever she would lean in close enough. She loves a particular spot just above his nape, his natural scent there is the most potent and she loves digging her nose to take a whiff at the unique mix of sweat and man.

Her hands are steady under his strands, careful not to put too much force on the gash just above his hair-line. It is a recent injury he had acquired that had landed him here in the infirmary.

Her lips are already chapped from biting, a nervous habit she had picked up from being too worried. The doctor in charge had relentlessly told her that he would be okay, his vitals are stable and that he would wake up any moment, she simply had nothing to be worried about.

Patience has never been a virtue she would often use to describe herself with, preferring to act on impulse at times and solely relying on instinct at most. He had always been concerned on how she would handle herself on combat, but the fact of the matter is that trust is something that they both share and they had promised to practice.

It was his trust on her and his fierce protectiveness for her safety that he is now laying here, one week after the estimated time of his awakening, still sleeping. She had long stopped crying about the situation, preferring to just stare at him longingly and lacing her hands with his. Their rings echo a resonant _clink_ whenever she does, and she couldn't help but smile at the reminder of their bond.

By now, she is already used to his frequent hand twitching and it doesn't surprise her anymore. The first time she had felt it, it had been a flurry of colors; a push in her agility, and a fire of hope in her heart that had landed her on the doctor's office within a span of a minute. The physician had explained to her that it was normal and that the most likely explanation was that he might have been dre9aming; involuntary movements were a part of those as well. With a heavy heart, she returns to his side and devotes herself into waiting again.

She dusts the clouds of memories from her mind and focuses her water-stained eyes on his blanket-covered body. The steady rise and fall of his chest comforts her and she swifts her hands above his pumping heart. She pulls the white sheets away to press her palms atop his chest, her wrist resting against his dusky nipple.

This will be her new source of comfort, she tells herself and she lays her head on a space next to his ribs, letting sleep finally take over her own charcoal eyes.

X-x-X

It was the bright rays of sun kissing her face that had her sluggishly open her eyes despite the lack of sleep. Groggily, she lazily surveys the room she is in, but the decisive jerk of the flesh under her touch had alerted her of the situation. She sighs disappointedly when she was greeted with her husband's closed eyes and his periodical trembles. It was another day of waiting and another wave of blighted hope. With a heavy heart, she sets herself to her usual routine.

She plows towards their room, she begins her day there. She carefully strips off her plain button down shirt along with the rest of her clothes as she enters their bathroom. It doesn't take long to wash the grime and sweat off her body; she has long mastered the art of scrubbing herself raw until it no longer felt stingy, just numb. Her hands fist the texture of the towel closer to her body as she stares at her own pitiful reflection mocking her with its manifestation.

Before, she would have stubbornly refused to take care of her appearance, solely believing that in a time like theirs, there is simply not enough room to be attractive. This had been her ground and she had relentlessly tried to push it until she had fallen in love.

She was almost sure that if the day comes that she would love another person besides Armin and Eren, she will not be reduced to something as mundane as to painting her lips rouge. The way he made her feel, however, was something that she couldn't explicably explain. It's everything at once and nothing at all, leaving her insecure and helpless when she had finally realized, that yes, she had indeed fallen for him. It was the burst of emotions that she was simply not enough for him, that her beauty is simply replaceable that had her combing her hair a thousand times just as her mother ingrained.

Be it the simple task of making sure her clothes are pressed or the fact that she would straighten her posture around him, she would make sure that his eyes would trail her movements and it makes her actions feel justified.

She takes one of her fisted hands in front of the mirror and she wipes the steam that has gathered. She examines her face and she couldn't help but feel underwhelmed. Her midnight locks push past her shoulders now, just as he liked it and they lack the usual sparkle that came from healthy lifestyles. No matter how much she tries to push herself, she wouldn't be who she is if she wasn't worried for him and it might have been the cause as to why her usually stormy grey eyes had turned dusty- not a glimmer in sight.

Most of her friends would always comment that whenever he would talk to her or simply be near her, her eyes would light just a little bit, it widens by a fraction and the impassive trait it holds would turn into love portrayed with just eyes. Her fingers hover above it, it is still beautiful as they say, but to her it is the same eyes that have witnessed too much pain in the world. She often lay at bed thinking how much pain she would endure if she would just gouge them out and if in the end it would it be worth it.

Her lips part at the reminder of her morbid thoughts. They are pink and supple, everything with what dreams are made of. They are a reminiscent of a freshly bloomed rose with just a little mist from morning dew. It should feel pretty, it should- but it doesn't and it used to scare her, but it doesn't anymore. They are chapped from the lack of water, dry from the owner's scarce usage. She tries to peel off some of the layers, wincing slightly when she had drawn a trickle of blood. She pulls the towel to her lips, leaving her naked in front of a mirror.

He would always tell her she's beautiful and she would often pass it off. Now, she could only wish that he could tell her once more, wishing that he would wake up from his infinite slumber.

She pulls out a fresh set of clothes and she dresses up uneventfully. She had taken extra care of her grooming today, made sure she had brushed her hair properly, placed a bit of color on her lips, and powdered her pasty skin just right. She hopes today, if he wakes up, he will see a beautiful wife that would greet him.

X-x-X

Now that she is a Squad Leader, she has her own sets of responsibilities to uphold. Even if her husband is lying asleep somewhere, she still needs to make sure her tasks are well done for, as well as his. After all, he is her Commander, so it would be a big disappointment to him if he wakes up and learns that she is slacking off. She curls her hand around the doorknob, turning it tiredly to reveal her pristine office.

Paperwork had never been amusing to her, but the distraction for now is certainly welcome. She fills her mind with jumbles of words she doesn't even absorb, in effort to pass the time. She lets her signature elegantly slide against the rough texture of parchment and paper, her approval of countless missions, her scrawl to indicate that she had received the request. None of these really matter, but for the documentation purposes, she has to abide.

A creak resounding a door opening sidetracks her from her mindless tasks. She stops reading and glances up, not moving her head. Eren's sheepish face pops in her vision with a tray of what looks like tea and food in tow. She gives him a tired but thankful smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes or her heart but he dismisses it with a wave of his hand as he places the tray carefully in front of her.

"Squad Leader," He gives her a teasing salute, his hands playfully clenching above his heart, feet together stiffly. Her face lightens up a bit, to his relief, and he nods his head towards the food he had brought her.

"You really need to eat, Mikasa." She stifles her sigh as she puts away her pen, eyeing it uninterestedly as she hides it on the top drawer. She turns back to him, his face looks worried. Her heart couldn't really find the inspiration to care anymore, to be honest.

She lets him pour her some tea and sets a piece of bread in front of her along with a bowl of stew. They could've smelt delicious, they should've, but to her they smell rancid and it reminds her of all the food her husband isn't eating. Her face blanches in disgust.

"I'm not really hungry."

Ignoring her, he pulls on the bread, tearing a small portion for him to feed to her. When she didn't open her stubborn mouth, he pushes it harder on her lips and it reminds her of the time she had done the same when they were younger. Times change, and so do people.

She reluctantly makes way for the food; the texture feels coarse and dry against her tongue. Her body rejects the thought of eating and it almost makes her heave but she swallows it. It felt like she was drinking sand, the feel of it running down her throat and it brings tears to her eyes, not because of the burn but for an entirely different reason.

Her husband had used to save her his own loaf of bread whenever she would train extra hard. It had been her incentive to push herself harder and he would feed it to her with an affectionate gleam in his eyes.

"I'll eat it by myself, you can go now." Unconvinced, he swigs a spoonful of stew and offers it in front of her.

"He wouldn't want you to be starving yourself." Her eyes had turned dangerous upon the mention of him; they lose the usual self-pitying demeanor they hold. She sharply regards him, her anger rolling off in waves.

"Don't." She warns. He doesn't back out from the fight, he locks his gaze with hers, punishing her with a look that begs for her guilt. She doesn't find it.

"It's true." It is and she knows. She stands up from her chair, the wood against wood filling their ears like a burning forest fire, much like her feelings.

The window panes just behind her desk were strategically placed so one would be able to enjoy them after a long day's work. Never had she found the use for them, they are a paradox of her dreary office; the small amount of light floods the room. She turns outside to hide her hurt away from her adoptive brother.

"He can tell me that himself, then."

He understands that he is now dismissed and the battle has been lost.

X-x-X

Time seeps slowly enough for her to notice that orange and red tints filter the room, insulting her with a reminder of another night that she has to endure alone. She had already arranged all of her paper works in a neat pile; his own mounting work was lying ignored on the other side of her study. She succumbs to her fear that a single sight of his name alone would trigger too much that she had tried to push too hard, so she just promises herself that maybe tomorrow, she will be a lot stronger. Tomorrow, maybe she can face some measly papers.

The untouched food has long gone cold; she picks it up and heads to the kitchens hoping to scour some soup for her hungry stomach. On her way there, a new recruit passes her by with a strong-felt salute and she nods at him. He made a move to grab the tray for her and had offered to bring her some food, but she had politely declined. She wanted to fill her time with monotonous activities and unremarkable feats to satisfy her craving of normalcy.

She continues her way to the kitchen, grateful that the pot of soup is still hot and enticing. She moves easily around the counters and cabinets, grabbing what she needs and ignoring what she does not.

Tentatively, she lingers the spoon beside her mouth and blows on it. Feeling satisfied when the steam wasn't heating the skin on her cheeks anymore, she takes a sip. It must have been tasty to other people, but it felt bland and tragic slipping on her tongue. She pays no attention to the sensation and just resumes eating.

Her mind drifts back to the time they would sneak out during the night, when insomnia would take them over or nightmares would plague their sleep. More often, she would be the one accompanying him after a fitful sleep. She would croon; lax him out of the nightmares and he would hug her tightly, not quite believing she's real. Sometimes it isn't about her, at times it's about Marco and everything that involves their peculiar arrangement. He would heave Marco's name louder than hers, she tries to understand but she doesn't- it doesn't mean it bothers her, though. She lets it slide since she is no better, herself. The Eren ordeal isn't exactly an ideal situation.

He would still get jealous over Eren, of course. Eren is directly under her care, with him being a squad member of her team. She still cares deeply for Eren, but the extent of it is only familial, and nothing of the sorts his demons would whisper in his ears. It confuses her, how he could still think there would be someone she would love better than him. He's wrong, but she doesn't voice it.

She would let him hold her until his heartbeat steadies, the low thud beating angrily under her palms. When he would finally pull away, they would tread quietly to the kitchens, their muffled giggles echoing along the long and dark hallways. He would prepare tea just the way she would like them and she would fix something simple, just enough to get through the night. Under the witness of stars, they comfort each other with mere presence alone; they allow themselves to live, despite the fight not to do so.

The scrape of her spoon banging the bottom of the bowl pitches her awareness that it is now empty. Placing all of the wares she had used on the sink, she washes them herself, trying to be busy with the simple task in order not to think again.

After washing up, she decides to head back to their quarters to grab a change of clothes. She pulls out a familiar olive-green dress shirt from one of his pile of clothes; she presses it on her nose. She lets the aroma fill her, her mind coming to a complete blank. It's fresh and clean, _very him_ and it lessens the numbness at the bottom of her stomach. Slipping it on, she heads towards the infirmary.

The air is still and cold, unforgiving on her exposed skin. It does little to what she feels, her insides are an ice land and the physical temperature doesn't matter. The moon makes her more aware of the fact that she's alone with only a shadow behind her.

It is ethereal on how its illumination can amplify his features, it ghosts over his profile creating a glow-like aura and it's hauntingly beautiful. The hollowness of his cheeks are highlighted and it feels like he's dead now, but her hand above his pulse eases her worries. She slips in his covers, carefully occupying the little space she could curl up to and let sleep take over her.

Maybe in her dreams they could be together.

X-x-X

Her day starts out regularly, waking up to a sleeping body next to hers. Pulling up her weight, she lifts herself up to get a better view of him before she starts her day. He's gorgeous and he's breathing, and she can have at least that.

As per her standards, she begins her usual routine, it's ordinary but she finds that she doesn't mind it anymore: the robotic movements she performs.

X-x-X

Loud pounding outside her office had pulled her out of her musings. Her lips part for a soft, _'come in'_ as Armin's figure appeared behind the oak door. He regarded her excitedly, his face shone like he had good news to bear so she gives him her full attention. Her hopes swell along with the tug on his lips.

"Squad Leader Kirschtein," He gives her a half-hearted salute, one that came with long-term friendship but not out of disrespect.

"Captain Arlert, how can I help you?" She stands in lieu for her own salute; her face shows a mask of practiced stoicism. She waves her hand towards a seat but his smile could only grow larger as he shakes his head.

"Mikasa, Jean has woken up-" He wasn't able to finish as the Squad Leader had already dragged him through his elbows towards the path of her husband's whereabouts.

"He had already asked for you several times so they had requested me to go and fetch you." He was still trailing behind her, so any thoughts of watching her expression was out of the question. Her hands feel clammy around his wrists but he doesn't mind. She looks extremely agitated with the way her shoulder tensed and the way her soft murmurs whiz in front of him. Agitated, yes, but also extremely excited and maybe a little bit relieved.

"How is he?" Armin thinks that her question was more to ease her anxiety rather than knowing the answer itself. She had long known the condition her husband is in so there would be no reason for her to ask again. He humors her, however.

"He is doing fine, Mikasa. He already ate a bit and had already started giving orders, too." Both of them laugh at his dedication, something she had always admired about him.

They come to an abrupt halt, a door so familiar to Mikasa, now right in front of them. She turns to him and gives one of her rare smiles and he returns it with one of his own.

"Thanks, Armin." He doesn't reply knowing that she wouldn't even hear him. Not when she had already opened the door, a bit closer to her beloved.

"Jean?" Her elation couldn't be contained and every fiber of her being reflected it. She bared a toothy smile, her hair shone with sunlight, her skin rosy and her eyes were lighter with delight. Even if she was out of breath, she pushed her way towards him, ignoring all of the other eyes directed at her. Only one mattered, but she stopped when his eyes looked anguished.

She pushes her own flash of pain to reach for him, to touch him only to be stopped by his sudden scream. Her pulse quickened and she panicked, as well as the rest of the room's occupants. The attending physician held her husband down as he thrashed around his bed, rolling and crying out. The nurses assisting the doctor had pinned his arms down as another wave of howls rasp out of his throat. She moves towards him but when he had noticed her advances, he had violently pulled away from his bed and had landed with a loud thud. He screams again, rounding at a corner, as farthest away as possible from her.

Confusion, hurt and insecurity etched on her perfect face.

"Get her away from me!" His fingers pointed at her, the same ones that he would use to trace her arms post-coital, the same ones that he would thrust inside her with passion, and the very same ones that holds the very symbol of what they are.

"Me?" She could only ask so dumbly and dejectedly. She didn't want to be told the truth, Armin had pulled on her elbows to lead her out but she roughly shoves him off. Maybe it was the nurses he was so afraid of?

He calmed down a bit after growing tired of fighting. She cautiously steps closer, his head turning towards the sound of her footsteps. They lock gazes and, for a moment, she had thought everything was alright. It was an illusion, only to be broken when his eyes etched fear at the sight of her. He was scared of _her_.

The doctor had ordered one of the nurses to look for a sedative, anything to calm him down as another bout of thrashing erupted his body. She couldn't move, she was frozen, and the shock of the moment had put her into her own temporary coma. She couldn't hear their shouts, couldn't see their mouths moving, ordering her to leave until he's better. Two sets of hands pulled her out of the room but she couldn't even register the action.

No tears fall, just because she still doesn't understand. She heads over to her office, softly asking Armin to tell the doctor to directly report to her. He nods.

She brushes past him to head towards her seclusion. Her pace doesn't quicken, she walks leisurely almost like a ballad, wishing that her husband might call her, telling her everything is fine.

She collects her thoughts and behind the safety of an empty room, she lets a single tear fall.

X-x-X

The doctor arrives half an hour later, and it troubles her more than she would show. She completely erases any trace of emotion from her face, her eyes are expressionless as ever and it gives her a semblance of control. At least, she holds authority over what she could show, and it comforts her just a little.

She turns her attention back at the doctor as he asks her another mind-numbing question.

"I need to know Mrs. Kirschtein, what exactly happened during the time he had acquired his head injury."

She tries to stop her eyes from steeling; it's a crack on the façade that she couldn't deal with. It was no use trying, though; her eyes betray her the moment she remembers.

"I told you before, an aberrant had caught me. Before the titan had the chance to eat me, Jean had saved me but he was hit on the head with the titan's hand."

The doctor scribbles some notes on his notepad, his writings out of her view. He looks pensive and unassuming as he adds some other writings at the side of his paper.

"Before he had been hit, did he shout anything, did he see anything out of the ordinary? More specifically, anything that involves you as well?" She blanches at the question, it's a roll of memories she would rather have forgotten as it was the time she thought she had completely lost him.

"Yes," She whispered, "He held out his hand to me just before he was slammed against the ground. We shared a look, yes."

The scratchy sound of pen being dragged across paper irritates her ears but she overlooks it.

"If he died, I was probably the last thing he would've seen…" She adds as an afterthought.

The scuffing sounds ceased and the doctor looked at her intently. His mind was probably turning on information and she hopes she finds her answers soon. Hopefully, they come with solutions as well.

"Let me check something real quick in my office and I'll be right back."

She nods her head as permission and he heads out the door.

The doctor re-emerges from the door minutes later, huffing. She waits for him to catch his breath, while trying to push down her agitation.

"See here, Squad Leader." He pushes a piece of parchment down her desk, pointing to a particular article. She reads it in earnest.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" She inquires. He nods his head and lays down another piece of paper in front of her.

"And this," She tries to read it but he pushes another paper beside it. "And this as well."

Her brows furrow in confusion and worry, it's too many things at once but it doesn't answer her at all.

"Stendhal Syndrome and… Acute Stress Reaction?" She voices hesitantly. He looks thoughtful and bewildered more so than her. She doesn't quite get what he's going at.

"My theory is that there is no actual name for this yet. These three are our best bets to find what he is currently experiencing now…" His enthusiastic writing interests her but he continues his speech.

"The way you describe it is that he somehow had attributed you to a traumatic event, that and of course he might have hit his head where it was critical. Most likely a near-death experience that involves you. And that right now,"

He looks at her cautiously, asking her permission to continue. She nods.

"Your face is causing his severe panic attacks."

"My what?"

"You see here, the Stendhal Syndrome," He points a particular line from the cutting, "The Stendhal Syndrome, the patient usually exhibits mild reactions when exposed to beauty and art." She looks at him incredulously.

"And the post traumatic stress disorder would explain a lot since it is more common on soldiers, especially after witnessing life-changing events. Example, your supposed death, for Commander Kirschtein."

Speechless, she just stares blankly at the papers in front of her.

"The acute stress reaction would explain the gravity of his symptoms- the thrashing, anxiety, the likes. We don't really have a name yet, if you could let me experiment-"

She slams her hands against her desk, her face now devoid of any emotion and was replaced with a cold calculating stare.

"My husband is not a lab rat, doctor. Research what it is he is currently sick with, but you do not, cannot and will not ever experiment on him. Do you understand?"

The doctor gulps visibly and nods slowly and scurries outside her office when her eyes narrow. Her hands ball up above the papers, scrunching it as she lets her tears fall. She throws them across the room and she palms her face willing for her pain to fade away.

She doesn't understand anything at the moment. All of her thoughts running on solely one sentence, _'Is my beauty causing him stress?'_

_X-x-X_

She lingers outside the door of the infirmary, contemplating if she should go in and risk having Jean react violently or just sleep in their quarters. For the past half an hour she had been there, her hands have been battling to open the doorknob but her genuine concern and her fear rules over, pushing her hands to her sides as she stares at door.

Resigning, her feet drag her to their room. The room is cold, lonely and it smells bitter with a mix of Jean, it doesn't make her feel better in the least, and she couldn't even say she feels numb. It isn't even swirls of emotions; it's just pure sadness consuming her whole. She could hear her heart breaking over and over again in the same empty room that has witnessed the same scene multitude of times.

X-x-X

Armin swings his door open, revealing Mikasa. She had knocked at his door looking like she did when Eren had almost died, only this is much worse. Her normally vibrant hair had turned limp and askew, her eyes are puffy and red probably from crying too much and her lips were quivering and dry and it hurt him to know that there was nothing he could do to help her, even if she came here just for that.

"Please, Armin. I don't want to be alone tonight."

He lets her through as she snuggles inside his bed. It wasn't tiny at all; being Jean's strategist certainly had its perks, this being one of them. So there would be no problem at all if she had wanted to sleep next to him, he wouldn't touch her at all. She had other plans, though.

He lies next to her, both of them facing each other, her lifeless eyes meets his pitying gaze. She accepts it despite her pride and she stretches her hand towards him.

"Please just hold me. It hurts so much."

Her broken plea forces him to choke back on his own tears. He wipes away hers and he opens his arms to let her come closer. She does and her smell enters him completely like hopelessness and sacrifice.

Armin really doesn't know what to tell her. She had probably run everything through her mind already, and that lying to her wouldn't do any good. He should probably tell her to just wait a little longer, it will pass; but in a world they're in, nothing is certain.

"What's happening, Armin?" He strokes her hair comfortingly, feeling like it's the only thing he could do for now. Her tears don't stop, and he lets her soak his shirt with them.

"I don't know either, Mikasa. Promise me something, though." Pulling her shoulders back so he could look her in the eye. Her face reflects confusion and acceptance.

"Promise me you won't stop fighting. If anyone deserves happiness, it's you two." He wipes her tears away even if they pour even more. She nods and settles herself once again, seeking his comfort and his warmth.

It hurt to see his friends suffer like this. They are punished for sins they didn't commit and they suffer for pains they did not warrant. Life could really be cruel to those who least deserve it.

X-x-X

She wakes, blinking rapidly as she noticed she isn't in the infirmary nor at the quarters she shared with her husband. Remembering the night before, her eyes scan for Armin but was met with an empty room and a small note beside her. She picks it up gingerly.

'_I've left food at the bedside table. Eat, Mikasa. You need it.'_

She eyes the tray of food disdainfully, deciding against her friend's wishes. She climbs off the bed, trying to stop herself from thinking too much. A knock on the door grabs her attention and she stands up to answer it, thinking it might be Armin.

"I'm here to check if you're eating." Eren's grim face greets her and she welcomes him with a tight hug that she uses as leverage to stop her tears from flowing again. He holds her just as tightly, stroking her limp hair as he allows her to seek his comfort. She doesn't cave in to the temptation of crying, asking Eren silently to cradle her and lend her his strength.

Eren pulls her away slightly and closes the door behind him as he urges her to sit down on the bed.

"I know this isn't the time to talk about this but…" Mikasa searches his eyes for clarity but they were cast downward, away from her view.

"Armin and I had decided to pull through with the next expedition." The information doesn't really sink in; it was too much to take in too little time.

"We're pulling Jean out, of course." He gives her a worried glance.

"Just tell me, already." She sighs. He nods his head and rubs his hands above his face. He usually looks young for his age but right now the dark circles under his eyes are more pronounced and the first signs of creases appear in between his brows. That moment, she knew, she wasn't the only one hurting.

"We need you to lead the formation Jean and Armin had planned." The pieces finally fall together; her mind finally understands the situation. Under normal circumstances, she's level-headed and would be able to make quick judgments. Her being one of the strongest would be a huge favor and that she already knows how to lead a squad would certainly be an advantage. She'll be a replacement for her husband. She felt her stomach drop.

"Y-yes, of course." Her voice shaky with mortification and nausea. Eren sensed her discomfort and sits next to her.

"He'll be okay, I know it." He pulls her head to lay it on his shoulders as he resumes stroking her hair. What he said was entirely unnecessary since they both are still in the dark when it comes to his situation. Still, Mikasa lets herself believe that his words might be true.

"Once we're all done with this shit, I want to…" Her voice breaks. "I want to take him away and be happy."

"There's nothing wrong with that." Eren assures her with a light squeeze on her shoulder. She chews on her lips absent-mindedly, letting the pressure of everything flow through her. Her mind reels in all of the things she had gone through the past years, finding herself always questioning what she had did to deserve any of the pain she has been always subjected to. She never finds her answers, instead she receives more scars on her heart that will never heal nor fade.

"I- I don't know if I…" Mikasa's voice quakes again, the weight of the world falling on her breath. "If I can even kill titans like this, if I can continue to lead people to their deaths."

Eren's breath hitches sharply beside her but doesn't reply. He lets her continue, her face reflected the far-away look she almost never had.

"How could I even think of saving humanity when my husband is there," Her voice hitches on her throat, a little raspy from using it so much today. "And the look he gave me was pure fear. Like I was a titan attempting to eat him."

Her self-control vanishes and she lets her sobs wrack her body. She has grown significantly thinner lately and her previously taut muscles had turned soft from her lack of training. Still, she was considered one of the best but to her that really doesn't mean anything if she's here, wishing that it's her husband comforting her instead.

"A lot of things happen to us, Mikasa. You should never blame yourself over them."

She doesn't listen to him and instead she pours her heart out through crystal tears that drop from her cheeks all the way to the depths of her upturned hands. She catches them, the teardrops, hoping that she finds some kind of proof over them, that what she's feeling isn't real and that Jean would somehow wake up and be her hero. He won't and she knows, so more tears spill from tired eyes.

"Will you come with me and visit Jean? I don't think I can go alone."

Eren pulls her up from the bed and holds her close. He opens the door to Armin's room and drags a long inhale before he leads her to their Commander's temporary room.

Xxx

Eren's not sure if they should even be doing this, Jean's physician had advised everyone to avoid letting Mikasa be near him. He isn't even sure if it's healthy for her either; she's badly shaking, her eyes are pathetically swollen from the crying and she looks deathly pale from the stress. His hand hesitates above the knob, looking at Mikasa who's currently averting her eyes, trying to look anywhere but Jean's door. She's a mess and she's probably more fucked up than their Commander but he doesn't voice this as he knows she's prone to snapping anytime.

Sensing his hesitation, she gives him a quizzical glance that he answers with a tight-lipped smile as he finally opens the door.

The room is flooded with morning light and false happiness. The room is eerily quiet except for a few shuffling from the middle of the room. Eren's eyes land on Jean's hunched figure, a stack of maps and probably strategy reports from Armin, scattered across his lap. He doesn't hear them coming, or chose to ignore them as he continues to drag his bony finger along the papers in front of him.

Eren could feel Mikasa trying to hide behind him and he is ever thankful that he had finally grown taller than her so he was able to shield her appearance away from Jean. He clears his throat to grab the man's attention.

Jean wasn't surprised and instead he lifts his head towards their direction quite calmly. He cocks his eyebrows in question and Eren stammers his salute. The Commander waves it off with a sweep of his hands and continues looking over his work, completely disregarding his visitors.

"Jean, uhm…" Eren starts but as soon as he opens his mouth he instantly regrets it. He doesn't know where to begin but before he could even conjure up another word, Mikasa steps out of his shadow. He panics, and makes for her wrists. She gives him a wary look as if she's begging him to let her talk to her Jean.

"Please, let me…"

She had sounded so helpless and pathetic so he doesn't stop her.

Jean had heard her, however, but he still keeps his head down. He seemed to have frozen on his spot, not daring to look at his wife but his profile looked like he was so close to lifting his head. Jean was beyond torn and when Eren had glanced at Mikasa, she had looked like he had pulled her apart.

"Jean, I—" She pushes her way towards him but he stops her, conviction in his broken voice.

"Stop Mikasa."

"Please, I just need to-"

"No."

Jean still had his head down but tears had started to fall from his protruding cheekbones. He was just as conflicted as her but Eren didn't know exactly how painful it was for the both of them. He had seen them both grow and fall in love but he will never grasp the tip on how much it will wretch you heart…

…To feel the one you love, but never see them.

Jean's pale hands shook, clutching the parchment with them. He finally gives in to the temptation, however and he seeks his wife out of the corner of his eyes. The three waited in bated breath as they wait for the subsequent reaction.

It wasn't pretty. It was horrifying.

"Get her away from me!"

Jean clutches his head in pain and more tears stream down his face. He screams at the top of his lungs that will surely bring too much unneeded attention. When Mikasa doesn't make a move for it, Jean moves away from the bed, unceremoniously falling to the floor in a heap of clouded mess. Tears, screams, heartbreak and mirrored hurt flow in the room.

"Never go back here again!"

Mikasa snaps out of her reverie and stops herself from running towards her crumpled husband. She bolts out the door, vowing to herself she will never torture him like that again. She will never be cruel to him like he has been to her.

X-x-X

Eren finds her, an hour later, after he had fixed the mess they made. The doctor had scolded him for letting Mikasa see Jean and he was indirectly at fault for hurting their feelings. He felt guilty and afflicted; he had wanted to see his friends to be normal once more, instead he had stabbed their hearts with a blade he didn't even create.

Mikasa is combing her horse when he had found her. She had been murmuring non-sense to her mare and hadn't even heard Eren when he came near her. Usually, she's as agile as a cat and her senses are even sharper than a bird. Today, she couldn't even evade the soft nudge her horse would usually do, that Eren knows she absolutely hates.

He taps her on her shoulders and she tenses under his pitiful touch. She doesn't turn, hiding her face from his view.

"I'll do it Eren, and I'll do it good." She vows.

"Do what?"

"I'll kill the titans. They took him away from me…"

"… I'll finish them with my own hands even if it kills me."

Eren understands, knowing full well that her anger is simmering and that the pent-up tension is a good energy to pull into battle.

However, he isn't sure if she's able to handle that. She has a hard time trying to rein in her emotions whenever a loved one was injured. He isn't sure if it's safe for her to lead a battle with a clouded mind.

Her voice, however, was clear and determined. Even more determined than him.

"We will eradicate them," She peers at him over her turned shoulders. "And I'll fucking make sure he'll come back to me."

It's scary, how she means everything. She's gone beyond what's normal and completely jumped on her own.

X-x-X

Despite the protest of her two best friends, Mikasa joins and leads their 67th expedition outside of the walls.

Armin had tried to broach the subject with Jean but the Commander had stopped him with a sharp voice and had overtly referred to Mikasa as a mere, _her._ After the incident, Jean had informed everyone that no one shall ever mention her name in his presence again for the fear of setting him off and most of the people had agreed. Eren and Armin were a different matter altogether.

They don't push it; instead they pay their respect to their Commander and had taken it to their own hands in stopping Mikasa from blindly running into war with a hazy judgment and little regard for her own life. She had been training nonstop and if the two didn't come looking for her, she would drop from fatigue and a painful reminder of her loss.

She almost considers Jean dead, nowadays, not because she doesn't love him, no- instead it's her way of coping.

It'll be a hell lot more easier to her if he'd died. She would've mourned and moved on but instead she has him in close proximity but she will never be able to feel him.

She slashes her dummy titan deeper at the thought of Jean. The buckles and straps of her gear are starting to welt from her tightening it too much and the amount of hours she has spent trying to vent her anger. She doesn't mind it, in fact. To her, it's her form of self-harm, it isn't pretty but it makes her feel something different rather than thinking what's left of her life.

She swings her blades and expertly situates herself a top of a branch. She glances around the training grounds and sits gingerly. Her breaths are short and choppy from the strain and she prefers it that way rather than the usual sighs that would pass her lips.

Her friends had avoided her questions about Jean's stability. She knew that he had taken into ignoring her altogether and had advised other soldiers to never speak of her again. It stung like a bitch, another scar to litter her heart but she tries to grow strong with it and preferring to channel her hurt to a more productive activity instead of wallowing in self-pity.

She checks the cuts she had made on the dummies. They're concise and deep so she jumps off the tree to make her way back. She takes a casual stroll, dragging her tired hands as they fall to her sides- her blades scratching the rough ground leaving marks in her wake. She ignores the burn of her muscles and the sting on her skin due to her belts. She feels powerful but at the same time completely powerless and it isn't the best feeling in the world.

As expected, Armin greets her and drags her over to the mess hall.

X-x-X

"We fight back, it's time to take what's ours and shove it up their ass." Mikasa vibrates loudly so that her voice will push through the hoards of soldiers waiting for her instructions. Armin nudges her lightly with a worried expression on his face.

"Mikasa, there's under aged soldiers here. That language-"

"Sorry, I don't give a fuck." She turns her horse over to the gate keepers and nods her head towards them.

"Remember your positions. Do not break them unless it's absolutely necessary," She exhales. "We don't want unnecessary deaths on our hands. Do what you must."

The soldiers raise their blades to her and wait for the gates to open. Nobody will ever get used to the feeling of waiting for death. Everyone expects it this mission but no one would wish it. Still, their insides are churning with anticipation and nervousness.

Everyone is expecting a victory and Mikasa will make sure they'll attain it. Jean himself had planned this and had situated her at the safest place possible.

If he didn't love her anymore, he wouldn't have landed her there, smack middle where everyone was sure to protect the Commander's wife.

Stubbornly, though, and to no one's surprise, she took the front lines to effectively scout the area and to foresee any changes that should be made. She had especially requested Armin and Eren to be by her side.

Armin, to be able to give her any advice if needed and Eren to be able to command him any time if he needs to shift or not. Of course, her instincts also had wanted them close enough so she would be able to protect the two-thirds of her heart.

She hoists her horse's reins and shouts at the top of her lungs.

"This is our revenge!"

They flood out of the gates and into position right away. The legion is filled with dread, hope and lust for blood as they seek out their unavoidable deaths.

X

"Mikasa, half of the left-wing is annihilated." Armin catches his breath as he slips back on his horse after he takes down an eight foot normal. She's holding her smoke signal gun and pushes a green smoke in the air to direct the formation. Cursing under her breath, she nods in acknowledgement as she seeks the horizon. A horde of titans are quickly approaching so she stretches her arms to the left.

"Take the left!" She shouts at her group. Most of her squad is already injured and they had lost one member already. They had pitched in and tried to avoid letting their temporary Commander engage in battle but they sacrifice themselves in the process. No one regrets it, as if there's anyone capable of making titans extinct it's the trio of their leaders and Mikasa is one of them.

They take the turn but an aberrant apparently directed the hoard over to their group. They shout their positions to their leader but she clenches her fists atop her head to stop them.

"Armin, my squad is tired. I'll be able to take these easily, please lead them for a moment." She shifts her eyes towards the mass of her squad protesting at her decision.

"Eren, don't shift yet. We need your energy when we cross the forest. If Jean's reports are correct, we expect fifteen hundred heading our way."

Eren nods and steers the group.

"Remember to stay in position unless told not to. Keep Eren safe." She hails her horse over to the first aberrant, sinking her hooks on a tall tree nearby. Predictably, it claws its way over to her, so she hauls her hooks to its neck and makes a deep cut. One down, she checks the cluster of titans again, five more to go.

She swings her way over to her next kill, elegantly dancing her blades on its neck with a twirl. A soldier appears to her next titan and effectively kills it, albeit the kid is unsophisticated and rough.

"Cadet, who told you to help me?" She wipes the blood of her eyes to look at the lanky boy who's perched on top of a tree beside her. He gives her a scared smile that makes her roll her eyes.

"Captain Arlert, Ma'am."

She should've known, she really should.

X-x-X

Mikasa grabs a horse from the lower left positioned cadets. She's extremely lucky that one of the recruits had brought a horse with her and had offered it the moment she saw the Squad Leader without one.

This position hasn't suffered much, probably since the frontlines had forcibly pushed back the titans significantly. A heroic move but it isn't without any sacrifices.

"Commander," The red-haired soldier catches her attention and her breath hitch on the title she was just called. She ignores the bubbling feeling and focuses on the recruit.

"We need to stop for a little and bandage that arm."

Mikasa looks at her confusedly and lingers her eyes to where the cadet was pointing at. True enough, there was a large gash from her split flesh and blood was oozing in large amounts. She nods her head in permission and halts the horse.

The cadet follows suit and proceeds to tend to her superior, ripping a part of her cloak off for a makeshift tourniquet to stop her Commander from bleeding. Mikasa haven't felt anything and she blames it on adrenaline rush.

As soon as she was good to go, she pushes her way on top of the formation to catch up to the front. A loud scream pierces her ears and stops her from moving forward.

The cadet she had just left was currently being gripped tightly by a fifteen footer. Her blood runs cold and she hoists once more, desperately saving the girl who had just mended her wound.

She buries her hooks on the titan's stomach to catch its attention. It doesn't flinch from its position and continues staring at the girl that's on its hands.

"Shit." She murmurs, so she proceeds to her next plan. Acting quickly, she leaves the horse to pull herself on the titan's body, using the hook she had placed before. It still doesn't budge, despite the fact that she is practically lapelling on its belly.

Mikasa uses her blades to climb the titan, piercing its skin to attempt to distract it. It works and thankfully Mikasa had predicted it, so she was able to evade its pudgy hands from squeezing her dead. That's all the distraction she needs before she was able to wind her wires on the titan's hands and cut it off before finally ending its life with a swift slice on its nape.

Her muscles are angrily screaming after bringing down eight titans, but she doesn't let that stop her from leading a mission.

X-x-X

The mission ended with the hesitant order of Mikasa to retreat. Too many are injured and they had lost so much so she had decided to leave it for another day to tend to their wounds. With a heavy heart on their torn up sleeves, they withdraw.

Armin had suffered a lot, his hands are probably sprained and he had a large gash on his cheek that was bleeding profusely. His blood is dripping on Eren who is passed out after shifting, the sheer force he had put on to killing a chunk of the titans had took toll on his body but was relatively well since he's healing quite fast.

The other soldiers were probably a good metaphor of loss. It doesn't take too many words to explain how devastated the scouting legion was after the expedition and the fact that they will still have to face this another day was a rock on their throats.

For Mikasa though, it's tough but it's a step forward. According to reports they have managed to take down half of the titan population and it was a job well done on their part. However, she couldn't help feel that her hands are sullied with the death of hundreds dripping on her fingertips. She finally understands the taxation Jean feels after every mission he leads and how heavy it is for him to have the weight of deaths being unwantedly dumped on his shoulders.

Her fists subconsciously clench at the reminder of her husband.

"Armin," She checks her side if her Captain is still with her. Satisfied when he is and that Eren is perched in front of his horse, she trails her eyes back on the road.

"I'll tend to the paperwork and soldiers, you uh…" She sang it like a sad ballad at the tip of her tongue. "You report this to the Commander please."

Armin closes his eyes and nods his head.

"I'll inform him that you are alive, injured, but breathing."

"No need, just advise him if he asks."

That's that and they turn back.

X-x-X

Mikasa oversees the medical attention of her subordinates and she makes sure they're all accounted for. They always dismiss her worry with a hesitant smile accompanied with a nervous laugh whenever she would ask if there's anything they need. They offer their hearts to humanity and their loyalty to her as she, in turn, promises a world eradicated of titans for their succeeding missions.

When she's sure that all of her recruits are getting the help they need, she heads to her office to start on the detailed report and the inevitable accounting of deaths. It sounds morbid and inhumane but she wants nothing more than to forget the feeling that people have died on her command, the least she could do is offer condolences to their families.

She readies herself to a sleepless night. Tomorrow, she knew, she would be summoned inside Sina.

X-x-X

Armin softly knocks on Jean's door right after they came back from the expedition. Even if Mikasa hadn't ordered him to come, Jean had insisted that Armin should report directly to him as soon as he skips off his horse.

True enough, he does and he pushes the door open as soon as he announces himself to their Commander.

"Is she…?" Were the very first words his Commander asks. Armin nods his head and sits on the chair Mikasa had used to occupy.

"She's fine; she has a deep wound though. Told her to get it stitched up but knowing her…" Armin forgot that he was talking to a broken man; he had let his tongue get the best of him as his words linger in the air.

"You need to—"

"Yes, I will."

Jean clears his throat.

"How was the mission?"

Armin deliberates if he should tell a lie but he decides against it.

"It went fine; we managed to halve the population. Of course, we suffered so much as well."

"How many deaths?" Jean's voice was thick with guilt that Armin recognizes right away. It was the same tone Mikasa had used when she had ordered a retreat.

"We're two-thirds short of men."

"Fuck, I should've been there—I should've…" Jean clutches his head with his hands. Armin grabs his shoulders tightly to stop him from punishing himself too much, no one was to blame.

"It was Mikasa who lead us, she did superbly. Took down twenty titans."

"Don't say her name."

Armin blanches at his regard and he tries to stop himself from getting angry.

"She almost fucking died." Armin is shaking by now and had long thrown his care for swear words, needing them to explain the gravity of the situation.

"She led us beautifully, she knew exactly what to do but she was so tired. So tired, Jean." His voice quakes. "The least you can do is say her name. She doesn't deserve any of this."

Armin pulls away from his Commander and stands up.

"Commander," Armin salutes towards him but refuses to look at his Commander.

"It's another price she has to pay for humanity. Death would have been better but life is cruel to her that way." He says eerily and Jean thinks he wasn't talking about the mission anymore. Still, he stays quiet.

"Goodnight, Commander."

Armin shuts the door behind him in a forced gentleness, fearing Mikasa might be spying. She wasn't and Armin is glad, he stalks over to her office with a medical kit he had picked up from Jean's room to tend to her injury.

X-x-X

After the intense scrutiny of being deliberated by the goons of Sina, Mikasa settles herself back to her usual routine, brooding and training.

She usually stops by Jean's door, he's has still yet to be discharged by his doctor. The physician had insisted that he stays in bed to avoid further damage on his brain.

It's has now been four weeks since she had last seen the man she had married.

She often questions herself if he still loves her, still holding on the thought that he did since…

…Well he did place her in the middle of the formation.

She's still conflicted in terms of how she should be getting along or how she could even cope with not having him around. Ultimately, she thinks, that it's life's way of punishing her. From all the times she had ignored Jean's advances when they were younger.

She had spent years of her life pushing him away. Now, she will spend the rest of her life wishing she hadn't.

She had long passed the mourning stage and the anger stage of her emotions. Most of the time, she finds herself regretting certain choices in her life from big things to the simplest of things.

Things like the moment he had first told her that her hair is pretty. In her hindsight now, she would've begged him to utter that same thing to her once more.

Nothing will change and this is the life she will lead for now.

"Did you eat breakfast?" Eren asks Mikasa. She steels herself to push her body back to reality, instead of dwelling on things she couldn't change. She is in Jean's office, removing the dust particles that had accumulated in his absence.

She doesn't bother lying to them anymore knowing that they can read her more than she could herself. So she shakes her head and reinstates her focus on the half-empty bookcase Jean had pushed against the corner.

"I brought you some food," Like any other times, he settles the tray on Jean's desks and she ignores it. She barely eats nowadays, too full on bitterness and lacking the incentive to even live.

"I'm too tired to eat…"

"But not to clean?" He interjects. She remains impassive and unamused as she wipes a cobweb away from the bookshelf.

"This is where I feel him the most aside from our room—that brings back too many memories to me."

Eren knew what she was talking about since she had now temporarily lodged herself between his and Armin's rooms to sleep on. No one complains, and in actuality they prefer it so that they would be able to monitor her during the night.

The problem is though; neither of them ever saw her sleep.

The large grey circles around her eyes are proof enough and she doesn't bother hiding the fact, either.

"I will be sleeping in Armin's room tonight."

Eren nods and leaves her to her own accord.

X-x-X

She passes Armin on her way to the training grounds after a little bite of the food Eren had brought her. Mikasa had been surprised when she sees him, if it's a good or bad surprise, she still doesn't know.

"I'll join you today. I need to gain more muscles." Armin jokes lightly and she cracks rare smile on her lips. As soon as he sees it, it disappears.

She starts her stretches; her thin frame is now excruciating to see. Whenever she would let sleep get the best of her, she would thrash around. At times, her shirt would ride up and the ribs were hauntingly protruding against her skin that had made Eren silently cry over her. They would never tell her how thin she had become, of course; instead they had tried passive-aggressive measures. Trying to leave food in front of her, lightly commenting about food in general till they finally gave up and had aggressively tried shoving food down her stubborn throat.

Well, at least Eren did, Armin had preferred to scooping her tiny bits of food and torturing her with his nonsensical talks till she would finally give in and take a bite.

"Armin, you really don't have to follow me like a baby. I'll be fine." She grabs her 3DMG and stations it on her hips.

"I'm not sure about that anymore." He stops trying to pretend that he's really there for training. He drops the façade and follows her, grabbing his gear as well.

"I'm trying to sort this out, I really am. I just need you guys to trust me." She whirls past him and grimaces as she pulls on her wires.

"I'll be sleeping over at Eren's!" She shouts and Armin turns to leave her alone as she had wanted.

X-x-X

Feeling incredibly lucky that both of her friends hadn't figured out her plan yet, she sneaks in front of Jean's door. It's half past midnight and she's silently thanking the gods that the two aren't looking for her. She pushes the door as quietly as she could, not willing to wake the occupant up with the sudden intrusion.

She hears his soft snores that had become her lullaby before and her heart gave a painful squeeze on itself. Carefully, she enters the room on her tip toes and held up breaths.

She brought a blanket and a pillow with her since she's planning to sleep on the floor next to her husband.

It's sad to think that she has to be reduced to this but she will do absolutely anything to be near him. Still, the repercussions are great so she had taken a week to plan all of this. She will wake at the crack of dawn, knowing that he likes to wake up before the chickens do.

So, she will quietly leave the room and no one will be the wiser that she had even done it. Of course, she was well aware of the loopholes in her plan has and she simply chalked it off and let her clouded judgment get the best of her.

She fluffs the pillow on the floor and drapes her body with the blanket. She stares at Jean's sleeping face from the ground as she sinks into place. He has gotten healthier, his face is fuller now and the hollowness on his jaws is gone. There are no apparent traces of dark circles under his eyes and he looks well relaxed now and for that she's thankful. She wishes nothing more for him to be okay.

His hair had gotten shinier and she finds herself stretching her arms to touch it. She pulls away, after logically reasoning to herself that it would wake Jean up. His muscles have softened a tad, much like hers but he was still her fantasy and her sex god.

She had to hold her lips to stop giggles from erupting.

She continues to study his profile while trying to fend off the sleepiness that is dragging her eyes down. Her eyes map out his hand which is draped over his chest, steadily rising and falling in beat with his breath.

She's entranced by him but she doesn't have enough time to think about it as she promptly falls asleep at the side of her husband's bed.

X-x-X

Mikasa woke up to a dark room and a light shake on her legs. She rolls over and groans quite loudly but a hand clamps down her mouth that stops her from making too much noise. Her bleary eyes tries to make an idea of where she is but nothing comes to mind, her fatigue is more prominent than ever.

"What are you doing here?!" The voice whispers angrily. She groans in reply and shifts back to the comfortable place she had found a while back. Actually, none of the positions she had tried had been comfy since the thing she's laying on is hard as fuck but at least one of them is bearable enough.

"Just carry her, Eren." Another voice whispers and she feels her body being pulled into a strong pair of arms underneath her. She growls in protest, loving the warmth the room gave her but she was met with a tight grip on her ankles.

"Stop making noises, you shouldn't even be here."

She tries to rack her brain why she shouldn't be here. Where was she anyway? And who is carrying her?

She feels the light bounce of the person carrying her, a light squeak of the door being opened then she succumbs to the biting cold of leaving the room.

A tear falls from her eyes, but for the life of her she doesn't know why she's crying.

"She's fucking lost it,"

"I don't even know what to do anymore."

"Let's go to your quarters, it's nearer."

"Yeah, you sleep on her right I'll take the left. Can't keep her out of our sight anymore."

"The fuck was she thinking? If Jean wakes up to her…"

"…"

The voices were starting to irritate her so she groans to give them a shut up notice. It seemed to work since they don't talk during the rest of the walk, so she snuggles her head at the person's chest in a thanking smile.

The person holds her closer and the tight grip on her ankles finally release so she lets herself fall back to sleep.

X-x-X

Mikasa wakes up to two angry faces peering down on her. Upon noticing her clear dilemma, she sinks her face back on the bed she didn't remember climbing into.

Armin places both of his hands at either side of her face to stop her from hiding herself from their view. She avoids their eyes guiltily.

"I am so disappointed in you- I don't even know where to start" Eren looks at her with dissatisfaction glinting in his eyes mixed with a little bit of anger.

"I'm sorry…" She murmurs pityingly but none of the men are having any of it.

"Do you even understand the repercussions you may have caused if Jean had woken up?" Armin was whispering but it was delivered in a manner that Mikasa could sense him dangerously teetering on his irritation.

"I would have woken up before—"

"Shut up!" Eren grips her wrists, making her gasp at his sudden show of violence. She whimpers just a little bit and sinks in further on the bed.

"The fuck were you even thinking?! The possible danger you put you and Jean into… I don't even… I can't even-"

Mikasa averts her eyes from the two of them.

"Mikasa, what you did yesterday might have been a good idea at that time but you have to understand how vulnerable Jean's mental health is right now." Armin spoke calmly but she could feel the cold icing her skin from his lashing.

"How do you expect to wake up when you didn't even budge when Eren had picked you up?"

"I'm so sorry…"

"Do you want Jean to throw another hissy fit because you couldn't help yourself, huh?"

A sharp pang of pain trembles on her weak heart. She tries to clutch it but a hand stops her. Eren's eyes are almost black from anger and it was all directed to her. She couldn't understand at all, she really didn't.

"I didn't, I-"

"No excuses, Mikasa." Armin lets her face go and clinches the bridge of his nose in attempt to keep his own anger a bay. Words couldn't even try to express how frustrated he is right now. He has the weight of the whole scouting legion on his shoulders as he had taken it to himself to catch Jean's responsibilities, he's overseeing Jean's medical treatments and important decisions that are needed to be made with regards to their Commander's well being.

And now, Mikasa is being a pain in the ass with her little stunts. She isn't helping herself at all and it's taking a toll on the two who's just trying to make her better.

Eren isn't any better since he had taken it to himself to take care of Mikasa's squad since she rarely talks to anyone anymore. He had to make sure that they're training as usual and watches over their needs. He's also the one who's trying to dispel the rumors with regards to the couple and it's getting harder and harder everyday when Mikasa isn't even bothering to hide it anymore. It's causing quite a stir and that technically means that most of the recruits' loyalty wavers when their leaders aren't well.

Same as Armin, he's also taking care of Mikasa. Usually going out of his way to make sure she's still alive and haven't tried to kill herself from over-exertion at training.

He has to admit, she had gone quite close when he had found her passed out, slumped against a tree.

None of them blame her but she makes it harder and harder for them to believe that.

"You two don't understand what I'm feeling…"

"Don't give me that fucking crap! YOU don't understand what we need to go through!" Their faces darken at her indictment. "We're balls deep in shit and you're digging us deeper in it." He hisses.

Mikasa covers her ears and closes her eyes tightly as her form of defense. Eren pulls her hands away but she doesn't budge; her superior strength marginally wider than his.

"Please just…" She begs them.

"Look Mikasa, we don't even know the beginning of how you're feeling right now but we need you to stop thinking about yourself for a moment…" Armin shifts his hands to cradle his throbbing head. He pauses to see if she's still listening, satisfied when she had dropped her hands flat on the bed.

"We're stressed out because we're handling everything twice as much and we're taking care of the both of you."

Her eyes harden at Armin's words, which were like a cold hard slap of reality to her face.

"And it's like we already lost the both of you. Mikasa, you aren't even trying anymore."

The lost look on her eyes spears their anger down. They feel their aggravation ebb away slowly, regretting the decision of telling her too much. It's like she couldn't handle anything anymore.

"You're right…"

It was low, so low, that if they so much as breathe they wouldn't be able to catch it.

"And I'm sorry." The way she had delivered it was alarming. It was dark and depressing and it was deep enough that even Eren heard its implications. They weren't able to confront her about it as she pulls the covers off herself and walks like a zombie towards their room.

X-x-X

The rest of the day, Eren and Armin had completely and irrevocably regret their harsh treatment to her. Mikasa is now sitting in front of them in the mess hall. Eating, laughing, talking and the oddest of all- _smiling._ It was the same Mikasa they knew and loved before Jean's accident; she had sat across Sasha and had exchanged pleasantries with the girl. They thought it wouldn't go beyond that but the moment Sasha had asked Mikasa about Jean's health (Eren had to kick the girl under the table), Mikasa had turned into a bumbling giggling idiot, repeatedly asking what time their training is.

It doesn't end there; Mikasa had requested her squad's assembly near the fields and had told them all that for tonight, they're going out drinking by the pub inside wall Sina that she had passed by sometime last month. She didn't drink, that much Eren knew, but she was having none of their protests and instead kept herself busy with paperwork she had neglected for the past few weeks. Even her office was odd, her door was ajar, something she would have never allowed and even her past self would have condemned.

Eren had checked up on her sometime to find her missing. Minutes later, he finds her in the kitchen, chatting up a recruit while eating scones and drinking tea with a large _fake_ fucking smile on her face. The cadet didn't seem to notice this and had taken into liking of hitting their Commander's wife lightly. That was surprising enough but Eren's jaw dropped to the floor when Mikasa had waved off the action and had hugged the unsuspecting boy before whizzing away from the scene.

They seriously didn't expect the worst when they had arrived at the pub and Mikasa had been drunkenly swaying on her feet while trying to talk to one of her squad member. She passed out, exactly thirty minutes later before she had sent Eren and Armin a flying kiss.

She had cracked under their pressure and was pushing herself too much, that much they knew since she was pitifully murmuring in her sleep pleading Jean to take her back.

X-x-X

The next morning the whole castle is abuzz with Squad Leader Kirschtein's behavior last night. A few gossip mongers had paddled the information over without any consensus that the woman was broken beyond repair. No, none of the people seem to think that, instead they enjoy tormenting the usually stoic and strict officer under their hushed tones.

Fortunately, Mikasa wasn't there to witness or hear what they are saying behind her back since she's currently cradling her head due to her hangover. Armin had insisted to stay with her but she had cheerfully said that she had already burdened them too much, she was fine now.

They were too unnerved by her behavior to even question her. So, like the little cowards that they are, they're here, hands clenched so tight around their eating utensils fighting the urge to topple everyone from their places.

Even Armin, who is usually a very patient man, had to hold himself back from trying to mutilate the idiot Mikasa had been hugging just yesterday. The recruit had been creating unnecessary rumors on how Mikasa had always been in love with him and had just decided to confess since her husband couldn't even bare to look at her ugly face.

Eren almost shifted. Almost, but a soft hand around the sharp of his shoulders distracts him enough before he bites his finger off.

Mikasa's face is still bubbly, shiny and shit when Eren turns to look at who had tapped him.

She could hear it, Eren's sure, there's simply no way she couldn't and it worries him when she silence him with a sleepy but beautiful smile and promptly asked for her share of breakfast.

Armin nearly trips on his feet on how fast he had obeyed her. He dappled a large amount of food on her tray and proceeds to place it in front of her with little tears threatening to slip from his eyes.

The murmurs don't stop, but neither do their world.

Xxx

Armin had dutifully informed them that he would visit Jean today for his daily reports. Eren almost tore Armin's arm off when he had said this in front of Mikasa but Armin gives him a warning look as if to say, _'watch her reaction'_. He did.

"Okay." She said simply as she doesn't even skip a beat from her activity. She cleans her gear in earnest while the two had followed her like loyal puppy dogs.

"I'll uh-" Eren raises his voice higher so that she would be able to hear through the loud clinks the metal of the gear is making when she drops them on the bench. "I'll come with you, Armin."

"Sure…" Armin answers hesitantly, still waiting for Mikasa to snap at them.

She doesn't.

"I'll be out there training then, come join me after." She assembles her gear in relative silence as the two rack their brains for answers they will never have.

Xxx

When the two had finally left her alone, she relaxes just a little bit but not enough for her to finally let her guard down. She had thought that by pretending she's okay, she would be finally be one step closer to moving on but it seems that nothing is easy when you're just not ready.

She doesn't wallow anymore and had let herself reminisce the times that Jean and her were happy together. It was the main reason why she was able to smile the way she did.

She hums lightly as the memories flood through her fractured mind.

_She catches up to Eren who had stormed outside but not before an awkward clearing of throat had stopped her. She turns her head slowly towards the sound, a tall blonde-brunette boy blushing under her cool questioning stare. He stutters his words as he scratches his nape to ease out some of his tension._

"_Your hair is very pretty."_

_She's unimpressed and her face reflects it._

"_Thank you."_

_She leaves, finding Eren solely on her mind._

_(~)_

_It is the first time she notices that her view of Jean had finally evolved into something she wouldn't delve deeper on._

_It was right after she had almost died and he had bravely saved her from the clutches of the titan, going against protocol and risking his life in order to keep hers._

_She had quietly sneaked into the men's barracks that night. She notices Jean wasn't asleep and was staring at the top of the bunk bed above him intently like there was something remotely interesting about it that she is missing._

_She pokes him and covers his mouth when she had predicted that he would scream like a little school girl on her intrusion._

"_Shh, it's me." She whispers on his ears, her warm breath tickling his outer earlobe, successfully sending shivers up his spine. He pulls her hands away from his mouth and looks at her quizzically._

"_Why are you here?" He asks._

"_I wanted to say thank you. For saving me." Her eyes soften towards him. She could hear the loud pounding of his chest but she pauses when she realizes it was her own._

"_You're welcome. Who would save Jaeger if you're dead, huh?"_

_She gives him a soft laugh and turns back to return to the women's barracks._

_(~)_

_She had finally acknowledged that she's probably, in a miniscule scale, attracted to Jean._

_Well, at least according to her. But if you ask Armin, she had been acting like a virgin (Oh my god Armin! I am one! And how did you even know that word!?) with her first crush whenever Jean had entered her field of vision. She had tried to refute it, making up excuses that she was simply admiring his dedication and the blonde boy had pulled out a dictionary in front of her. (Seriously Armin, do you bring that heavy thing everywhere?)_

_Crush- a burning desire to be with someone who you find very attractive and extremely special._

_He announces in his haughty librarian tone of his and she laughs just a little at his attempt._

"_Does this mean it will just pass by then?" She inquires as Armin closes his dusty book._

"_Books hadn't let me down yet."_

_She had found herself after one week, however, drowning deeper in her infatuation and stupidly trying on make up just to see if he will notice._

_He does and she's sure Armin's book had let her down._

_(~)_

_Her heart flutters the moment she had finally gathered the courage to grasp his hand on hers._

_His hands as insanely larger than her thin ones and felt clammy under her touch, to which sweat it was from she would never know as she could feel beads of water drip down her forehead._

_She was nervous, extremely so, since she hadn't even confessed to him (Yet!) and he hadn't either. Not that he needed to, it was blatantly obvious to anyone but her, though whenever anyone would confront her about it she would wither under their gaze in a slump of bumbling giddiness. She's totally at lost on how to handle such new feelings since, well, Eren and Armin have been the only ones occupying her heart, and she didn't exactly think there's room for one more._

_Not that she minded, he's slowly crawling his way in and she isn't even stopping him._

_A tight but comfortable squeeze on their adjoined hands make her smile as she looks up shyly on the taller boy she had been infatuated for months now._

_He gives her a warm smile of his own, his eyes glinting, telling her how easily she had resided in his heart._

_(~)_

_She's shaking out of her skin and Krista is trying to get her to sit still._

_She doesn't know what the girl is even trying to do, not with the way Krista would block the mirror with her lithe body. She almost sneaks a peek but Ymir had pinched her under Krista's scrutinizing gaze and she thought better than to try it again._

"_Don't be so nervous. If anyone should be, it should be Jean since he had been wet dreaming of you for years."_

_Mikasa chokes on her spit while Krista scolds Ymir half-heartedly._

_That isn't exactly helping._

"_Ymir is *kinda* right," Krista gives Ymir a warning look. "Jean is totally smitten with you, he wouldn't have asked you on a date if he isn't." She leaves her position in front of Mikasa to give the black-haired girl a view of her work. She gasps, not quite believing she can look that feminine._

_Her bright red lips are slightly parted in her astonishment. The two girls behind her rest their hands on either side of her shoulders as they smile lightly at her._

"_Thank you so much…"_

_(~)_

_The moment that Jean sees her, his eyes widen comically and his hands were badly shaking, she had to pull him aside to stop the rest of the squad from teasing him._

_She rests her hands on his biceps (god, when did those get so firm?) as she asks him worriedly if he's okay._

_She's convinced he isn't when he just stares at her as if she's not real. With a disappointed sigh, she drags him back towards the mess hall but Jean has other plans as one of his hands snake behind her neck and the other pulls her flush against his chest._

_She opens her mouth in surprise but he covers it with his lips, his tongue slipping inside of her gaping mouth._

_It wasn't magical like how every girl in their squad would tell stories about, but it was so Jean that she feels her insides melting and engraving this memory in her mind forever._

_(~)_

_Their first fight wasn't pretty and they didn't make up for at least a week._

_It wasn't because Jean didn't try; actually it wasn't his fault to begin with. He had been unfortunately ordered to be paired up with her in their hand-to-hand combat training and had profusely refused since she's his girlfriend._

_She had never felt more insulted in her life and she punished Jean for it._

_Her scathing argument had probably one too many words she will infinitely regret but at the heat of the moment she couldn't bring herself to care. She stomps off childishly away from the grounds and had refused to speak to her boyfriend till he can finally learn his lesson._

_The first few days he did nothing but follow her around trying to get her to talk to him but she ignores him like air and he was so put off by it that he decided to stop at day five._

_She had felt hurt that he would give up so easily and only after Eren explains to her that she should probably think things through, did she finally realize how bratty she had acted._

_Shame had plagued her mind as she scours the castle to look for Jean who seemed to have vanished like she had wished. Of course, she finally finds him, looking sullen and alone while trying to scrub the dishes clean. She walks up to him slowly and laces her hands around his waist as he tries to catch the dish that had slipped from his hands in his surprise._

_She hadn't even muttered the word sorry yet but had already found herself being pushed against the wall—kissed out of her mind._

_(~)_

_Their first time isn't awkward as Mikasa had assumed and it almost drove her nuts as to why Jean knew exactly what to do._

_She had come to the conclusion that Jean wasn't a virgin and the thought slipped from her panting lips as he enters her slowly. The pain was bearable; there wasn't even any hymen to break since she rides horses (ahem) all the time so it was fairly a comfortable slide._

"_What?" Jean stops moving and looks at Mikasa who is underneath him._

"_Huh?" She answers just as dumbly since she didn't realize she had voiced her thoughts._

"_You said that I wasn't a virgin?" He clarifies, his face contorted in a pained expression as if he's holding himself back._

"_Oh, uhm… "_

"_I am." He assures and Mikasa was so pleased she squeezed him with her walls._

_He looked ready to pass out from pleasure but so was she._

_(~)_

_The most memorable mission they had together was when Jean had first told her he loved her._

_The mission wasn't even hard or dangerous but Jean had been unnecessarily worried out of his hair that makes Mikasa roll her eyes at him._

"_I'll be fine. Just worry about yourself, okay?" She gives him a chaste kiss on his lips but it wasn't enough to ebb his anxiousness away._

"_It's just that…"_

"_Jean, god! We're just going to collect books from the library for Commander Erwin! Can you please station your over protectiveness somewhere else?" She huffs in irritation as she pulls his olive-green button shirt on her body._

"_The streets of Sina are very dangerous—"_

"_Oh god, you're serious."_

_She throws him his boxers to cover himself up. He catches it._

"_I don't understand; you're the same way with Eren."_

"_I WAS the same way with Eren." She emphasizes. He ignores it as he grabs her hips to pull her back and onto his lap. He lavishes the skin under her ears with open-mouthed kisses strategically abusing the over-sensitivity of the spot._

_She moans and completely forgets the matter altogether._

"_I just love you so much…"_

_She hums in delight and faces him._

"_I love you too so don't worry so much, I am one of the best soldiers after all." She gives him a cheeky smile before giving him their traditional make out sessions before missions._

_(~)_

_When Jean had finally let his reins off his jealousy go, it wasn't such a pretty sight but Mikasa was beyond amused._

_She had been massaging Eren after a long day of training's worth and hadn't expected Jean to witness their rather intimate position. He was as red as a tomato; his eyes were slightly twitching at the corners, trying to hold back anger._

"_Jaeger, please leave us alone." His tone was borderline scary but it was calm and it reminds her of the moment before a storm. Eren doesn't move._

"_No you—"_

"_I'm not going to hurt her." Jean interjects and Eren seemed to have accepted this as he leaves the room in search of Armin._

_Mikasa couldn't even have the audacity to look guilty, she was smiling at him innocently like the little minx she is and his facial muscles shake at her display. He was super easy to read._

"_What. Are. You . Doing.?" He closes his eyes to stop himself from shouting and scaring her away._

"_I was just giving Eren a massage." She answers as if it's the most natural thing in the world. His cute nose jerks twice and she almost reached out to pinch it. He wouldn't appreciate that though, not with the way he looked like he was about to pop his head off._

_She bites her lips to stop herself from laughing. Unfortunately, he notices._

"_What are you so amused about?" He looks like a mix of anger and curiosity and if it isn't the hottest thing she had ever seen, she didn't know. She opens her arms to coax him into her bed and begrudgingly, he obliges._

_He sits beside her and she flips to her side so that she was able to straddle his amazing and firm thighs. She rests her head on his tense shoulders and winds her hands around his broad chest, snuggling into him like she had done a thousand of times before. She will never get used to this._

"_Don't be so angry. I was just giving him a massage."_

"_I don't like it."_

_It was clear and honest. And even if it had sounded like a cavemanly behavior, she nods her head._

_After all, she wouldn't want to find him massaging other girls as well._

_(~)_

_The first time marriage has been equated in their relationship she had scoffed it off and tried to push it out off her mind._

_Sasha, with her ever so honest but sometimes just about tactless mouth had asked the couple if they had planned to get married. Jean had almost cut his hands off with his blade, luckily Connie had accidentally bumped into him and he had missed by hairline's thickness._

_The two blubber their excuses and hide their flushed faces from their friends' boggled stares._

_Mikasa would like to say that it was that and that was it but that wasn't the case at all._

_She had trouble sleeping since it was so deafeningly quiet and Sasha's words had replayed on her mind. It wasn't because she didn't want to get married nor did she particularly welcome the idea. It was because she hadn't thought about it at all that had her mind reeling as to where their relationship is going._

_She hears a knock on her door, and she knew it was Jean as they had a 'secret' knock they had developed. Thanking the gods that she was blessed enough to have a room of her own; she opens the door, a bit surprised at the agitated look on Jean's face._

"_What's wrong?" She grabs him by his collar and gives his lips a swipe with her tongue, pushing them open for her to devour._

"_Coulfn't sleephng" His words were muffled by her kisses. Not really feeling up for some weird kinky stuff his mind might conjure, she pushes him on the bed and lies on top of him._

"_Me too. Sasha's fault."_

"_Same." He answers just as honest and she's proud that they reached the point in their relationship that they didn't have to be ashamed of anything anymore._

"_There isn't any time for that in our world…" She trails off, her voice sounded too bothered than what she would usually let on. Jean hears it and strokes the small of her back- just the way she likes it._

"_There's none but I'm sure we deserve it."_

"_Do you want to get married then?"_

"_Shouldn't I be the one asking you that?"_

"_Doesn't matter as long as we both agree." She tells him. His languid touches on her flesh had started to make her feel sleepy. It wouldn't be wise to sleep on top of Jean since she's heavier than him but she was too damn tired to bring herself to care. She was lucky enough that he didn't either._

"_I do, then." He chuckles._

_That night she finally succumbs to dreams only little girls wish for- a wedding day._

X-x-X

She was probably smiling like an idiot since some of the people passing her by are looking at her strangely. Ignoring them, her light-headedness starts to decrease but with each memory, they clamber back onto her mind, ingraining it with each passing moment. She walks over to the mess hall, deciding to eat but when she doesn't spot Eren or Armin, she instinctively looks for them.

She starts of course, in Armin's office which is just next to Jean's and the light throbbing in her heart quickly left just as soon as it had hit her. Mikasa scolds herself for letting her feelings get to her; she has more important matters to get to.

Knocking on the door, she enters the room but no living being is inside so she thinks back to their conversation that she had eluded.

Oh, yeah. They were in Jean's makeshift room. She doesn't intend to disturb their peace by ruining Jean's mood with her fucking face. Instead, she tells herself that she's just merely going to pick the two up and ask them to join her for lunch. They can come back to their Commander afterwards and try as she might; it pains her a little bit.

She doesn't dwell on it. She was about to knock but shouting inside the room makes her hand drop to her sides.

"_You fucking asshole! I never should have agreed to let her marry you!"_

"_Eren please—"_

"_She doesn't eat anymore, doesn't sleep and if fucking breathing wasn't automatic—she wouldn't even do that too!"_

She hears shuffling behind the door so she presses her ears to the wood in attempt to get a better grasp.

"_You're sitting here like it's fucking fine and dandy—like she isn't self-destructing—"_

"_You do not-"_

"_STOP! Both of you! Mikasa wouldn't want you to be fighting!"_

"_Oh I'm not fighting with him. I'm so done with this bitch."_

Mikasa could hear a loud growl in the room followed by a large crash. She's tempted to stop the commotion but had remembered that her face would probably set off a bigger one so she stays still.

There's a slight pause inside the room.

"_You don't even know how much it fucking hurts. To have the woman of your dreams be married to you but you can't bear to even look at her."_

"_She's the one person I promised myself I would never, never, never hurt but here I am—"_

His usual husky voice is a pitch higher and is shaking, she notices.

"_I don't know what she's going through but I know it hurts more for her than for me so I don't act like a fucking jerk to everyone and cry about it. She needs the comfort more than I do."_

"_Jean—"_

"_No, Armin. I need to…"_

"_You know what you said to me weeks ago? That death would have been better? Yeah, I wish that too. So that she could finally move on and not get hurt anymore. There's no more reminder on how much I failed her."_

"_If there's any way I can help I would but…"_

"_The other day her smell lingered on my room… I—"_

"_I thought I was going to die from these emotions I can't even understand. It had smelled so close but she wasn't there. Even if she was it is physically painful for me to—"_

"_It's physically painful for me to see her and emotionally painful for me __**not**__ to see her."_

"_It's so conflicting—I have wanted her for years and years and now…"_

"_She's here but I can't have her. Because I'm a fucking screw up."_

"_If you think I don't even care—"_

"_You may have known her for so long but… she and I had built our dreams together…"_

"_Whenever I remember this—I just… can't even…"_

"_I have to act strong because the moment Sina thinks I'm a goner, they'll stop the medical attention and…"_

"_I might never see her again."_

Her hands clasp around her mouth as they both cry together.

X-x-X

Armin was the first to go out, after calming Jean down with a hefty dosage of relaxants. He hesitates but Armin explains that Mikasa wouldn't have wanted her husband to be beating himself up over something they both couldn't control and that effectively placed the pill in his mouth.

"Mikasa?" Armin finds her slouched against the wall adjacent to the door. He slivers beside her and Eren follows suit as soon as he spots her.

"Heard everything, huh?" Eren laces his hands with her to give her some sort of support. She squeezes it gently, thanking him.

"Not much but I heard the whole shebang." She gives them a feeble smile but the tear tracks on her face give it away.

"You can stop lying to us. We're really sorry about the other day." Armin drops his head on her lap. Her hands weave their way inside his silky blonde hair that relaxes him a little bit.

"It's okay. I needed that."

The three bask in comfortable silence as they leave hanging words unsaid.

"I'm just glad that he still loves me… it gives me…"

"Hope." Eren supplies. She looked at him shocked that he was sensitive enough to be able to read her emotions.

"Don't act so surprised, you're like an open book lately," He hums. "I learned a lot about you that I wouldn't normally pay attention to before."

"That's so insightful and weirdly flattering, Eren." She chuckles.

"Shut up." Grumbling when his two friends decided to ignore his warning, he pinches both of their noses.

"OW! You'll pay for that, Jeager!"

Armin smiles at them amusedly as they proceed to pinch each other mercilessly. At least Mikasa's smiles aren't forced anymore.

"Children, I'm hungry." Armin stops them before they hurt each other as both of their noses are already red. The two men stand up and help Mikasa on her feet as they drag her to the mess hall for their lunch. Everything seemed fine but it is always the calmest before the storm.

X-x-X

Mikasa had garnered enough of their trust that she was able to ask them if she could sleep alone tonight. They didn't think much of it since she had seemed pretty normal a while ago, albeit more subdued. They had hesitated but compromised when she had said that she will knock the moment she couldn't sleep.

She wasn't really planning to do that. She makes sure she gives her two boys their goodnight kisses on their foreheads and checks if they're awake. They're out as soon as their heads hit the pillows so she pads her way over to her husband.

As if she never learns. As if it never sinks in.

She resumes her position a while ago while she was still eavesdropping, head pressed to the wood, knees under her as she sits herself on the floor. She wouldn't risk entering, learning her lesson the first time.

Her tears fall whenever Jean's voice echoes in her head. She's glad that he still has some feelings for her but at the same time she doesn't want him so torn over them.

She brings a soiled shirt to her nose, breathing in deeply as she takes in its scent. It's Jean's, it's his and only his. It's distinctively him that makes her choke lightly on her tears. Mikasa is glad she had managed to coerce Armin into nicking a piece of him for her.

More violent haggles of breath vibrate her body and she fights the urge to cry out. She doesn't want anyone to find her here; sprawled to the floor, inhaling their Commander's shirt like a pathetic human being that she is.

She needs to be—

Stronger for the both of them, she reconciles, but she thinks she's holding herself back too much to do so.

"Mi.. Mikasa?" A low whisper from behind the door makes her squeak in surprise and push herself away. She stands up preparing to run but a pleading voice stops her.

"Please don't go…"

Shocked beyond belief at the turn out of the events, she nods her head even though he wouldn't be able to see it and reverts back to her position. Her whole body is tense, she tries to relax but she couldn't. It's the first time he had spoken to her without screaming at her to go away.

"Is this o-okay?" She manages. A shuffle inside and light footsteps towards her direction makes her heart race. She though he would open the door and face her but a large plop that almost sounded that it was next to her had let her believe otherwise.

Their backs door-to-door, hearts pounding in equal pace.

"It's okay… it doesn't hurt, yet."

"H-how…"

"How am I?"

She murmurs a little and she hears his chuckle that she had missed so much. It was so devastatingly muffled that she had to shut her eyes to wrestle the tears.

"I'm okay… you?"

"We promised we would n-never lie…"

"We did, didn't we? I'm not okay then, how about you?"

"I…"

"I miss you." He senses her hesitation.

She lets the sweet words linger on her skin as they tingle.

"I miss you more." She replies and honestly it was an understatement but they both seem to know that.

"Can I tell you a story?" He asks her, his voice had the same quality to it as the time he had talked to Eren and Armin.

She doesn't reply and he took her silence as a sign to continue.

"There was this bright and beautiful day; it was like a day no other…" He pauses for a while to check if she was listening. He had no means to know but he does so anyway.

"And there was this man who was ready to shit rainbows that day."

He hears the slight exhalation of breath from her side, it wasn't quite a laugh but it was close.

"It's our wedding day so…"

"God Jean, can't you leave the plot twist later." Despite her admonishing statement, her voice was airy and teasing, making the man behind the door shift in his seat.

"You were so beautiful that day…"

She clears her throat in indignation.

"…still beautiful even if I can't see you. I just know."

"I couldn't believe you would even agree to marry me and the fact that you were the one who asked me," He lets out a puff of obnoxious laughter and she snorts in retaliation. "I'm glad you did though, 'cause I'll pass out from nervousness if I were to ask you."

"Is that so?"

"Mhmm…"

Their memories of the vivid day swim around the air clouding above them. Small smiles paint their faces at the fond memories they share.

"Even if the whole legion was so crass and unpolished during the ceremony,"

"Oh god, Sasha nearly tripped on my wedding gown." She palms her face at the thought.

"Ha! Connie had sat on the bunch of flowers you were holding!"

"They're called a bouquet, baby. No wonder they were so flat. Never will trust you with flowers again."

He puffs at her statement and chuckles again, even if she had said that he knew she had loved them. Nothing could ruin that day and they knew it.

"You shouldn't invite the entire legion on your next wedding…"

Her eyes almost popped out of their sockets, her hands stretched out so much that the joints were trembling in protest.

"What do you mean…?" She whispers.

"I mean—when you marry someone else, just invite your closest friends so that it won't—" _be filled with so much painful memories_ is what he wanted to say, instead he settles for, "—get ruined by flat flowers."

She forgets to breathe.

"Are you letting me go?"

He doesn't answer her.

"How could you!" It was low and quiet but it was also aggressive. She was perplexed, angry and more than anything she felt that he had let her down.

"Nothing good will come from me anymore…"

"I'm so sorry, Mikasa."

She drags her knees up to her chest and circles her arms around them. Her head drops at the little cradle she had created to silence some of the weeping sounds her mouth couldn't stop.

She was so emotionally drained and she finally gives up.

"Say my name again…" He knew how much she had loved it whenever it would flow so easy on his tongue. It was smooth and silky and it felt just like his hair on her fingertips, the way his voice would coax her name.

"Mikasa… Mikasa… Mikasa…" He chants like a goddamned prayer. Like it was the last beat of his heart.

She releases her knees from her hands and presses her face and chest against the rough surface of the panel between them. Raising her fist, she knocks just a little.

"Would it be okay if…?"

"I think so…"

The door slowly opens and a hand pops out from the small wedge of space.

She reaches out and lets their fingers touch as she clutches her mouth tighter to stop herself from howling in pain.

His hands feel dry and course like hers. They're calloused from training but it felt like home- something she hadn't experienced for a long time. She squeezes him tighter, tighter –_tighter-_ because she's sure once she lets go she wouldn't be able to touch him again and she needs to grasp every flesh he offers her.

Her sobs rack her body, it's muffled but under the silence of the night it was loud enough for her not to notice that Jean is crying as well.

"I love you so much…" he offers. She had missed those as well, the times he would just simply say them to her like it is water to him. It was so easy.

"I love you too, probably more than you'll ever know."

"And I won't give you up. Not until you're walking on that aisle with your new wife."

"I won't be able to do that, marry someone else than you." He insists.

"Then don't ask the same for me." She lowers her head to the junction where their hands are connected. She brushes her lips along his cold hands and nozzles her cheeks on them afterwards. He responds, creating patterns on her soft skin with his thumb.

"Even if I would always say that it would be easier if you had just died, my heart would never accept it," She admits. "Because knowing you're alive and you're here talking to me… it gives me so much hope and I will always hold on to it. So please let me just hold on longer."

"Do you think I'll get better?"

She finds herself nodding despite the fact that she doesn't fully believe it.

"Even if you won't, we'll find a way to be together, yeah?"

"Okay, Mikasa."

"I'm yours." She admits.

"You're not mine, Mikasa. You're not anybody's but yourself. The only thing I have is the trust that you will lend me your presence even for just a little bit. Even after all of the pain I've put you through."

"Nobody wanted this." She assures him with her weary tremors.

"Doesn't stop it from being painful, though."

Another bout of peace stills them both, blood rushing to their heads far too fast for their likings. Their hands still mingle; they convey words that are too heavy on their tongues. So, they allow themselves this relative silence to envelope them both.

"Hey, remember the time I got promoted?" His tone had softened to a lighter one, more appropriate of the situation.

"Hmm, yeah. I was more excited than you, I think. Erwin couldn't have made a better choice."

"You you jumped on me in front of him and Captain Levi." Smiles pull at the corners of their mouths at the happy memory.

"The sex afterwards was a good reward."

"I'd punch you if I could but I can't help but agree."

"Ahh, you were so sexy that night…"

She pinches the sensitive skin between his index finger and thumb. He yelps out in pain but he keeps his hands unmoving, too afraid to let go.

"You still are, baby."

"That's good to know." She giggles just a bit. He's still her Jean, the one who is thoroughly whipped, the one who adores her with every fiber of his being.

She decides it's too much for one night. She regretfully pulls her hand away from his and watches his hands clamor to find her once again. She holds herself back from taking him again and braces herself to say goodbye.

She exaggerates a yawn.

"Well, I'll be off for now… It'd be nice if we could do this again,"

"Yeah."

"Good night Commander Kirschtein."

She waits for his reply but it doesn't come. She levers herself away from the walls to help herself stand up, ignoring the longing feeling at the bottom of her stomach.

"Good night Squad Leader Kirschtein." He whimpers.

X-x-X

She pads her way over to Armin's room since it's the closest. Not really feeling up to be alone, she knocks hesitantly and almost turns away when Armin doesn't answer.

A pair of large hands engulfs her in a hug that makes her squeak in surprise but a familiar voice hushes her, encouraging her to keep quiet.

"Don't shout. Don't turn around."

She nods her head, his head nestling on the curve of her neck and shoulder. She feels him take a whiff of her and she fights the urge to bury herself in his arms. She can't, she wouldn't hurt him.

"I just needed to…"

"I know. It's okay." She assures.

A door distinctively opening with a wheeze startles the both of them but Mikasa keeps her head down to shield her face away from Jean. He pulls away just as she did moments ago and lets his hands drop.

"Jean? Mikasa?" Armin's groggy voice elevates the silence. They blush guiltily at being caught red-handed but the two couldn't bring themselves to care too much at that point.

"This is…"

"I'll be going back." Jean interrupts. He plants a lingering kiss on Mikasa's shoulder blades before he turns away and heads back to his designated room.

Armin didn't even know where to begin.

"Come inside," He implores softly, moving his body away to create a clear path for her. She enters feeling smaller than ever when she sums herself on his bed. "You need to explain because…I can't even begin to comprehend on how I just found you two."

"It's normal isn't it?" She asks him preventively.

"No. Not anymore… Mikasa—"

"Armin…" She begs as she lifts her head up to convey the whirl of emotions in her eyes. "I just needed to talk to him after that talk you had with him this morning."

He sighs at her defeatedly, sinking in the bed and cradling her with his arms around her shoulders. She falls on his chest pathetically.

"You're very stubborn."His grip on her tightens but not enough to hurt her, but it gives her a weird sense of his support. He's not angry at her and she feels this through his touch.

"Tonight I discovered something and it was worth it."

"Worth the trouble of being found out?"

She nods her head, her ink black hair scratching his chin when she bobs.

"Happiness isn't easy to acquire is it?" She asks rhetorically.

"No, it isn't."

"I've realized that if I want to feel it, I have to find it myself. It won't be handed to me."

"That's true."

"We all think that we deserve it the most, we've suffered so much in this war that we aren't even sure we'll win or not."

"I'm sure we all do, we didn't just sacrifice humanity but our whole beings as well."

"That's wrong though," She bites her lips.

"How so?"

"Life has a cruel way to punish those who least deserve it." She looks ahead, the sight before her is as bleary as the future. Bleak, dark and unknown even if you try to light it up with their lamps; the temporary solace can only do so much.

"Armin?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you allow me to return to Jean tomorrow?" Thinking she was just asking him to do the same thing she had done tonight, he murmurs his approval.

"As long as you'll be careful, okay?"

"I will be. Anything for Jean."

She lies on her back as she lets darkness engulf her kissing lids.

X-x-X

The next morning, Armin wakes up to an empty space beside him. It's cold and he knew she had vacated the room for a while now. He hastily prepares for the day and follows a trajectory he knew Mikasa would take.

She was done eating the moment he had passed her by the mess hall. She had waved to him while taking her last bite with a slight smile on her face a contrast of yesterday's over bubbly one she put up. He likes this better, he muses, since it's more normal and heartfelt. He beelines towards her.

"Seen Eren?"

"Oh yeah, I've asked him to gather my squad for me. Going to brush up on training today."

Armin takes a spoonful of his stew and a large bite of his bread. He watches her stare at him intently like she had something to say.

"What?" He brushes his face with his hands thinking there was something on his face.

"You've grown so much."

"We all did."

She hums serenely and scrapes her chair away from the table. She made a move to bring her dirty dishes but Armin stops her.

"I'll take care of that; do something you want for a change."

"Thanks, Armin."

Rubbing her forearms slowly, she leaves him eating alone and heads towards her squad.

X-x-X

"Good job today. Tomorrow Eren here—" She grabs Eren's shoulders and pats it a little. "Will be overseeing your training. Learn each other's body language; it'll save your lives in the long run."

Her squad nods their head at her pseudo pep talk and they watch their two leaders beam at them proudly.

"Alright, everyone dismissed."

They relax their tense muscles and offer their hearts up in a salute. Mikasa poises for one of her own but was dragged away by Eren before she was able to clench her fists.

"What's wrong?" She looks over her shoulders to check if her cadets are okay. They're laughing and talking amongst themselves so she breathes a sigh of relief.

"What do you mean I'll be taking over your sessions? This is your job." Eren points his hands to a place where she should sit and she obeys with clear confusion etched on her face.

"About that…"

"Oh no, what are you planning this time?" Eren turns his back on her, scratching the back of his neck in an irritated fashion.

"I'll relieve my position, Eren."

All breathing stopped as they wait for each other to speak. Eren was shell-shocked at the information.

"What?"

"Well, I've been thinking—" She eyes Eren's white knuckles, his fingernails digging rather painfully on his palms to the point that he had started to draw blood. She attempts to touch him but he flinched away from her. "I'm not fit for this anymore. I have to sort out my problems first and…"

"What? Your fucking problems are more important than freedom now, huh? What happened to the Mikasa I knew? The one who would do anything to achieve what's beyond these stupid walls?" His tone was low and hurt. She couldn't really blame him but it was something she had hoped he would spare her.

"I never wanted that. I just wanted to keep you safe and live peacefully."

"Bullshit." His body is tense and aggravated, his hands running back and forth in his hair.

"You may not like my decision but it's for the best. I'll still fight this war but not as a leader. I can't even save me from myself."

"I know there's something else. I know it, Mikasa. I just hope it's worth it."

"He will always be."

She turns away, leaving him with his racing thoughts.

X-x-X

Sunset paints the sky with a harmony of reds and hues of orange. It was beautiful to look at but the melancholy it seems to leave on your being is enough for anyone to think better of it.

Armin taps the window pane as his eyes soak the picturesque beauty of the sky. He wasn't able to enjoy it for so long as Eren growls frustratedly beside him.

"What should we do?" Eren grits his teeth, his simmering temper held a bay. He drops the pen he has been using to sign the paper works Armin had passed him with regards to his promotion.

Mikasa had handed her voluntary demotion after dinner in Armin's office and it's sitting there innocently, perched on top of mounds of papers.

They had been staring at it for the longest time, neither as sure of what to do with it. Eren had cleaned his hands from reading them, he didn't want to see what shit she had to say as to why she should be relieved of her position but at the same time…

They are so goddamned worried about her, so goddamned worried. Too worried and it isn't healthy anymore.

Armin pushes his long blonde locks away from his face.

"I can't decline it. I can see how hard it is for her." He spies Eren's face twist in agony at the reminder of their perils, Armin's own stomach felt like dropping to the floor.

"She's up to something, I know it." Eren insists. He pushes the documents away, forgoing the immediate need to sign them for his approval. He's not even sure if he should take it, shifting enough was already a burden.

"We can't push her anymore. Last night she—"

"I know Armin. I knew she was going to do something stupid, I just didn't know what."

The men stare at each other emotionlessly, too drained by the amount of efforts they have to pull day-to-day just by merely surviving and then…

A loud piercing scream wails throughout the castle and the two men waste no time in scrambling to their feet, looking for the source of the pitch.

Eren puts his agility training to good use as he zooms ahead of Armin. He pushes people out of his way without so much as a sorry as the wailing grows louder and more desperate. The blood pumping in his veins felt like someone had injected venom in him; it's curling with every pained sob that rattles the stone grey walls of the castle. He goes into an abrupt stop when the cries were the headiest.

The cleaning supplies closet- and he didn't even expect this.

He opens the door cautiously and the sight before him stops all of his organs from functioning.

-Mikasa's hands cradling a seemingly melting face; a bottle of hydrochloric acid right beside her.

She had hit rock bottom.

Armin had nudged Eren out of his stupor but had ostensibly entered one of his own at the sight of his best friend's state. Eren pulled her into his arms, carrying her delicately like her circumstances and brings her to the Doctor's office.

X-x-X

Mikasa opens her tight eyelids. She can feel the burning of her flesh and the wrappings around her face. Her recollections are still obscure since she had just woken up and there's a slight throbbing at the right side of her brain. She moves her right hand to bring it up her hair but she couldn't. Not when a hand is clutching on it like it's a lifeline.

She turns her aching neck towards the person sitting next to her. Light-colored mop that turns dark russet by the nape; strong muscular arms that she knows so well; collar bones that her lips can map even if she loses her sight; pale skin that had been tan before—the grip on her hand was the same pressure as the time she had gotten married.

_Commander Jean Kirschtein._

"Jean?" Her lips angrily beating her down at her from moving too much but her heart had begged her to confirm her guess. The figure is hunched on her bed, head resting on the vacant spot right beside her. The man looked quite deep in sleep but had slightly stirred at the sound she had made. He moans at the interruption.

"Jean?" She repeats, the movement taking too much strain on her tight face. She would have cringed at the pain but even twisting her face to an expression seemed to be painful so she decides against it.

Jean lifts his head up to check where the noise had come from. He almost jumped away from his seat when he sees his wife's eyes open through the slits of her bandaged head.

They stare at each other motionless; the amount of things they had willed together will forever remain unsaid.

"What were you thinking?" He cries. She was too far gone and her ability to think thoroughly has seemed to have vanished.

"What did you do, Mikasa?" Jean begs her to talk, to tell him that this is all a silly joke she had planned.

She didn't know how to go on about it which is why she wrote a simple note for Armin in her letter. She doubts he read it but it didn't hurt to try.

"Did you…"

"I read it. Armin gave it to me." He pulls out a haphazardly stuffed note on from the pockets of his trousers. His hands shaking from either anger or sadness- she did not know nor did she particularly want to. She's too afraid he's disappointed in her like the rest of the people in her life.

"It is through my beauty that he had noticed me," His voice breaks "and ultimately the reason why our relationship is spiraling in demise." His fingers clutch hers tighter, too afraid to let her go as tears cascade from his dull brown eyes and down to his sharp jaw.

"I will sacrifice my identity so I can keep him."

* * *

Constructive criticisms are very welcome! Reviews are appreciated as well (But we all know you want to tell me how crap I am) *hands out tissues*


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